CPE week 2 came and went so quickly I barely caught it. However week 2 was much more significant than week 1, as most of us in out group started to share our stories together. For me, this was a pretty big exercise, as there are parts that I barely tell friends and loved ones about and wouldn’t dare dream of mentioning to folks who were in many ways strangers to me still. Doing so was quite helpful though, and although not explicit in the story itself I noticed several things during my own telling as well as during the following week.
First, I am very hard on myself. I didn’t realize this, but upon further reflection and interaction with my supervisor I am noticing that the word “judgmental” comes up not in reference to my judging others, but judging myself. I tend to expect little from others but great things from myself, at the expense of comparing myself to others with whom I really have no basis for comparison. “I should be more X, less Y.” It sounds inconsequential, but those things minimize myself and lead to a harshness that I wouldn’t inflict on another person. I’m even confused at times because I don’t even think of these things as judgmental, even though coming from the outside they certainly would be seen as such.
Second, I think I trust God. We’re reading Brennan Manning’s Ruthless Trust and he puts forth few Christians really trust God wholeheartedly. They trust God so far, but only so far. They may trust God for their salvation, but not for their family’s care, or their own care. Asking the question do I trust God wholeheartedly also makes me ask if I trust anybody wholeheartedly and without fear.
Third, I’m realizing how little I care for myself. Not care as in “like”, but care as in “take care of”. I’ve had a better diet than I’ve had in a long time, but still struggle with exercise. I do pretty well nourishing my mind, and am trying to do better to nourish my soul but am realizing how I’ve “let that go” as well. Balance is not something I’ve even considered in the past few years. Need to work on that.
Fourth, I’m revisiting my old haunts in the field of psychology with new eyes. That field brought me where I am today, and I’m planning as part of my own care-taking to review some of those books to see how they can inform me now.